Spring

It was inevitable
The first sigh
The first gaze
Those brown eyes
Taking in everything
And then a smile
She was home

Give Up

You cannot change a man.  He has to do it on his own, to will it himself.  There is no amount of influence that can make him see you the way you want him to especially when he's already decided about the kind of life he wants to live.  Remember that a man will make the necessary steps to be with you if he really wants to, and that the only time you should put effort in building a relationship with him is when there is reciprocity between the two of you.

A Minute from An Eternity

It wasn't that he didn't care.  She knew he did.  It was just that they have a different approach when it comes to communication, and that they have different views when it comes to relationships.  It was just that they were never in the right time to be together.  She was ahead of him or he was ahead of her, or simply, they both could not see how to fit each other in the current state of their individual lives.

Now that there was some time spent away, a needed distance without any influence from each other, she started to think about the little things that she might have overlooked.  The little things that mattered.

The way he responds unempathetically to her when she shares something that makes her feel anxious.  The way he sounds argumentative over simple conversations which made her feel that he has this need to always be right.  The way he once told her that he was not interested in her THAT way.

That was not exactly something little.  It was actually the deal breaker.

Why then would he even bother to get in touch with her again?  Was it not clear to her that he can't, didn't want to, and wouldn't be moving his world to be with her?  She shouldn't even bother now.  She shouldn't even allow him to cause confusion in her life as she moves away from the old skin she left behind.

She needed structure and stability.  He doesn't have it for her.  While they both love a life of adventure and travel, and that degree of detachment from certain things, she craved for something deeper that he admittedly, honestly, couldn't give her.  How can, after giving herself time to flow through the emotions of salvaging a friendship seized by an undeniable sexual attraction, two years apart change any of the words he left with her?

She needed to walk away, she knew, because what else could she do?

He was scared, he told her that night.  He was scared of losing her - their friendship - after realizing that the physical intimacy they shared was something they could never take back.  She took a deep breath then and told him, "Who knows if we would still be friends in the future?"  She told him she just wanted to enjoy the moment with him, and to take whatever she can from the experiences and memories they made together.  To which he also agreed.

Reality was she was scared too.  She was scared of losing the connection she had with such a beautiful soul - one that showed her parts of herself that she had consciously hidden from people.  He had taught her more about her sexuality, the power that she had above any man she chooses to be with, and she flourished with it as she learned more about herself and the vulnerabilities and dominance of a man.

He was a creature of freedom, and she was too.  They are far more alike, perhaps, than they would care to even consider.  But she wanted roots.  She wanted to be grounded in any way that she can.  He, on the other hand, is discovering how it is to be a nomad, to be unattached, to be young.  Maybe this is why she feels they would have difficulties finding a solid ground for a relationship.  Despite the strong connection they may have, despite the soul mates that they are, she knew that she could only hold him a minute from an eternity - and she already did.

She had to let him go, and allow him to be free as he wants to be.

Gentleness

Gentleness, she thought.  It was what she knew she needed from him, and something she felt she deserved.

As another day drew to a close, she found herself wondering if he actually thought about being a little more gentle with her, if it even crossed his mind.  The world had rigged young minds with the idea that women went for the bad boys, the ones who held them by strings and drove them crazy, the ones who held them at arm's length.  Women were supposed to be drawn to those kind of men.  But not her.  Maybe that was the case when she was younger and stupid, but not enough for her to get all tangled up with the drama.  She always drew back when she felt played.  She always thought games were for the weak and for those who have too much time to waste.

She knew herself well enough, after the relationships she's had and the ones that surrounded her, that she didn't buy off from the predispositions about the opposite sex, the packaged "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus" and "He's Not That Into You" bestselling books.  She promised herself that she would learn and know men from the way they truly are, and how they treated her.

That is how she understood that she needed gentleness from him, and the space to understand where to place him in her life at this moment.  She needed a reason to keep him a part of her life.

Is it worth it?  Is he worth it?  Is he capable of giving what she needs and wants as a woman - that gentleness she craved for - so that she can open herself up completely to him, and allow him to experience the love she has and is capable of giving?  Is he even willing?

Envisioning 2018

GOALS FOR THE YEAR

💪 Self-Empowerment Goals
1.  Plan, Prepare, Play
2.  Explore Ottawa
3.  Write for 15 minutes a day = Nurture creativity

🌸 Health, Beauty & Wellness Goals (1st Quarter Focus)
1.  Exercise Routine with Target Areas: flat tummy, thin upper arms, improving vision
2.  Skin and hair care during winter
3.  Environment-Friendly Lifestyle

🎨 Career Goals  (1st Quarter Focus)
1.  Find stable job & continue online teaching
2.  Explore professional growth classes
3.  Learn French, learn driving

📈 Financial Goals (3rd - 4th Quarter Focus)
1.  Be self-sustaining with salary
2.  Start new savings account & find investment opportunities
3.  Stock Investment: manage COL Financial


💖 Relationship Goals (2nd Quarter Focus onwards)
1.  Find new and healthier ways of viewing situations
2.  Strengthen friendships (regular interactions), connect more with family
3.  Date again

ON MY OWN LIFE PATH

🌳 Life Skills
1.  Be clutter free: detachment from materialism
2.  Lights off by 12 mn
3.  Driving in Canada

🌏 Becoming a Global Citizen
1.  KidzConnect
2.  Volunteer in Ottawa
3.  Study again

🌱 In The Womb
1.  Prepare for my own business
2.  "Oh Canada: The First Year" (photo book)
3.  Compile writings

HAPPINESS & EASE

🎆 Reward
1.  Save up for a car  (4th quarter of the year)
2.  Trip to another Canadian province ViaRail
3.  Small treats: 1 day/week = Pamper Me Day

Tree of Life in the Desert

"The Wolf & The Moon" by BrunuhVille (https://youtu.be/HEf_xrgmuRI)

As her feet touched the sand, her walk as steady as she held the steed’s reins as they both traveled on the expanse of the desert, she understood that all is just falling and coming together as they should be.  In the many moments that her tears fell, when her Heart fell into silent and profound prayers, in the times she felt alone in her journey, the wind would blow, caressing her skin and her soul.  It was the sole reminder that the Universe is still with her, inside her, constantly guiding her steps.

The heat seared through her cloak, but her resolve to reach her destination had numbed her.  She knew it would be more days and nights before she reaches the Council, where all shall be discussed and hopefully decided.  All sacrifices are accounted for.  All lives, great and small, who have given their own energy to usher in the New Dawn, will be honored at the Great Circle.  All deaths are replaced with new life, as energy is never gone.  Only transmuted, created again and recreated again, and reborn into another form.

What joy it was to remember, in the days she felt exhaustion and the disbelief of what had befallen her home, her Motherland, that all was just as according to what was written.

She looked at her horse who also understood its own task, smiled and offered a prayer of thanks for the magnificent creature that has kept her company over the past weeks.

“I sing the song of the Goddess, She lives inside me.  I sing the song of the Goddess, and heal and heal and heal,” she whispered as she walked and rode through the desert.  Her eyes ever on the distant horizon, but her feet as careful as the hooves of the horse trudging beside her.

When the time struck midday, she stopped and looked around her, looking for any sign of life.  All she saw was a small stone several feet away.  She picked it up and felt its imprints on her palms.  She closed her eyes. 

‘Rocks and stones tell stories for they survive time.  They may turn to grains of sand and dust, and become rocks and stones again.’

“Tell my story to the stones, tell my story to the rocks, and my stories will survive the Ages, my stories will be heard again and again, and so children will listen, children will learn, stories I carry, stories on the stones.” She sang as she laid her things on the ground.  She ran her hand across the white steed, a time of rest is in order.

She unwrapped a blanket, unfastened her cloak and bared her shoulders under the heat of the sun.

“I am daughter of the Sun, the Moon and the Stars, and of the Heavenly Bodies.  I am Here and I am Now.  I am Time and endless, and I am anchored on this Earth, I reach the Heavens.  My feet are my roots, my arms are my branches, the Tree of Life, Goddesses and Gods eternal.  My song is my life, my life is my prayer. I am! I am!”

She knelt and held the stone between her hands, then she closed her eyes.  Her horse knelt near her blanket, and waited.

A time of rest is at hand. 

She started with her Heart.  A soft touch of pink that suddenly burst inside her.  And then as quickly as the wind can go, she saw her body encapsulated in pale, comforting colors.  Bright but not blinding, strong and yet gentle. 

She felt her Heart reach down, as her legs took solid form, and her feet became roots, then downward, downward they went.  Her Heart opened up and an energy burst again, upward, upward.  She saw branches and leaves grow.

“I am daughter of the Sun, and the Moon and the Stars, and of the Heavenly Bodies.  I am anchored to the Mother and the Father, the Goddesses and the Gods, and I am in balance, I am in between.  I am beautiful and ugly, strong and frail, I am balance personified.  I move and grow, and I die and I am reborn in grace.”

She felt her body harden.  And then she felt the wind.

‘Sing your song, sing it long. You are the Tree of Life.  Sing your song, sing it strong. You are the Gift of Life.’

The pain and the exhaustion, the confusion and anger, she purposely shot down and out of her sphere.  She grew more.  The Tree that she has imagined and has become became the many colors of crystal, brightening the spot she knelt on.

“I anchor myself to the Mother, the Goddesses” she sang as her roots reached the core of the Earth, warming her.  “I anchor myself to the Father, the Gods” she sang as her branches reached the heavens and into space, cooling her.  “I am the Tree of Life, existing then and now and forever.”

A time of rest is in order.

The wind blew from behind her, and then the tears fell.  They were not hers, she knew.  They were the tears of the people whom she left behind, and those who are waiting for her, and those who are hurting and in pain, those with hope and with courage.  The tears were not her tears.

And she allowed them to fall.

She closed her palms still holding the stone, allowed the emotions to run through her.

“I honor you,” she called out.  “I honor all of you, and your tears, and your pain, and your anger.  I honor your sacrifice, and your chosen paths.  I honor your hopes, your dreams and your wishes.  I honor your courage and your lives.  Let me be of service as I release all that I could so that I may honor myself too.”

The tree that she was grew, and grew.  Then as best as she could, she remembered all the people she has come across with, her family, her fellow warriors, her friends, her spirit guides, her animal friends.

Into their hearts she sent the same pink energy that emerged from her and connected them all to the Tree that was her, that was the Universe.  She allowed them to grow into her and allowed them to grow on their own.

“It is not mine to bear alone,” she cried.  “And so I give it back and bring it up to the light, that all may be healed and sent on its way.”

The wind kept blowing gently.  No longer was she in the desert but in a beautiful garden and the Tree that glittered in pale, healing colors of blues, greens, pinks and yellows, and all the other gentle hues that absorb the tears that fell from her eyes.  The sand turned into the same colors, into soft crystals, and everything that she can see and imagine and reach.  She raised her vibration, touching everything and everyone, and extending to all the souls she has, is and will be connected with.

But a time of rest is necessary.

And so she continued to breathe, and kneel, in silence, and allowed tears to fall.  Her body was regaining strength, her Spirit nourished once again.

From her mind’s eye, she saw the Tree of Life that she has turned into during that moment of prayer she was having, and she knew, all is as it should be.  All is well.

She relished the moment for as long as she could, until she felt she has cleansed the energies enough so that she may continue on her journey.  Then with the help of the wind on her back, she started to fold the branches of the tree, started to retract the roots, smaller and smaller the tree became until it turned into a pink seed inside her Heart.  She kept it there, and she felt lighter.

She opened her eyes, and then opened her palms.  The stone had a different feel to it now.  She smiled, then took a deep breath as she looked into the horizon again.

“Almost there,” she looked at the horse which had its eyes on her as well.

She stood up and gave it some water after drinking herself.  The white stallion was in all fours again as she folded her blanket.  She gave it some food while she took a bite of bread.  There was plenty more in her sack.  She fastened her things up on the horse’s back then told it to wait.

On the spot where she knelt, she dug a few inches and placed the stone.  Then she covered it with sand.  She wrote in ancient letters across the sand with her fingers, humming, then with her right hand slowly running above the writings, she closed her eyes.  The sand writings were being erased without her touching them.

“May it be so,” she whispered to the wind.

 She stood up and climbed up the horse, then nudged it so that it would start to run.

They were already miles away when the exact spot where she placed the stone the sand stirred.  Then water slowly sipped through.  The sand turned into limestone then turned into clay then into fertile soil.  Brown and moist, the ground kept stirring.  Then a small little plant shot out and then a wave of grass quickly grew around the area.  The plant rose and became a tree from the acacia family, and as the grass and more plants grew around the tree, a bed of rocks rose from the earth near the tree and from there sprung water.  Then out came insects and lizards, beetles and crawlers, and from the sky there came several birds which landed near the water to drink. This small haven in the middle of the desert expanded for several thousands of feet or so, with the tree standing gloriously for any traveler to see.

Underneath it all, the stone which she held in her palm in prayer, had served its purpose.  It moved a little, then settled on the spot, smoother and ready to tell the Young One’s tale.

‘Rocks and stones tell stories for they survive time.  They may turn to grains of sand and dust, and become rocks and stones again.’

Invitation to Apply For Permanent Residency

I got the e-mail last February 23.  I've continued the online application.  A little overwhelmed but I think I can manage through it.

I tried looking for my previous addresses in the US as these are needed for the application.  I think it has gotten me a bit frustrated.

"So I'm forced to look back over the past decade and list down all the places I've lived at with specific dates of my moves, and I realized I blotted out a chunk of early 2012 to early 2013 wherein I packed my bags four times for work in SoCal then eventually boarded the plane with what I could carry back to the PH.  What a stressed little wreck I was back then!" (6 March 2017)

I am now a little more excited having told my friend and student Shoko-san.  I know it'll be another great adventure.  But first, I must compile all the documents I need!

Into The Light (My 1st FB Post That Went Viral)

 

Stuff I learned about feminism in the Philippine context over the past few months:
1) I will not use the #EveryWoman hashtag when I deliberately do it to gain sympathy and to avoid answering for my faults/crimes/stupidity.
2) I will not cry #Misogyny when my enemy fights back (with facts).
3) I will honor the relationships/marriages of men I like and will not succumb to the #FrailtiesOfAWoman.
4) I will research more about the cultural context before backbiting him when my boss announces to an audience that I have #SmoothKnees.
5) I will admit I have smooth knees and get down to work instead of continuing to use my #PseudoFeminism banner.
6) I will not hide behind the #CloakOfReligion and let myself be called a saint or the Virgin when clearly I'm not.

What about you? What did you learn?

#Isms #BreakfastBits
#MisusingTheGenderCard #BackfiresLikeShit